Category: Dispair


window

i often wonder what it is like to watch me break, from the outside in…..at least i hope to entertain…

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I am not myself anymore. The spark that made me unique, the fire and passion for adventure and life has dimmed in the wind until it has been snuffed out. I do not recognize my face in the mirror. Who is this person that I have become? Broken, beaten, worn, and scarred but only on the inside. I carry my troubles deep within my being. So long have I cried for help and now my voice is hoarse and barley can I whisper. No one has answered my calling. I am alone. Sadness consumes me behind a plastic smile. I have frozen my appearance to portray my mood at a happier time. No one knows how much I suffer and when I reach out for a hand to catch my fall, no one embraces me. Often I suffer in silence. I try to ignore the despair that faces me and sometimes I forget why I am so sad but the cloud always catches up and slaps me when I am least suspecting. I want to be happy, I want to smile a real smile. I not longer believe in pure untarnished joy. Sure some moments are joyful. But soon reality bites my ass and I’m back to misery again. Longing for that fleeting moment of true happiness. I am addicted to those moments of pleasure, willing them to stretch on into eternity but they are wisps of smoke in my hands. ‘There is a light at the end of the tunnel’ is a bullshit statement. You see that bright light when you die and that brings no comfort here and now. I believe that light is a mirage or maybe it is my candle. The one that is burning at both ends. What happens if it burns out while I am here lost in the darkness. The devil tests me well. I may ask why but I never curse god. I look for strength in my family but my energies are so drained that even my children are by my side wandering this path with me. I don’t want my rain cloud to drentch those I love but how can I stay away. Countless times I have asked for support while I slowly sink into the abyss. How do I get out of this labrynth of sadness . I feel the darkness will consume me before to long and then how will I find my way? I am going to sit with head buried in hands tucked between my knees to shield myself from fallout. I do this awaiting rescue molding a plan and building my strength to stand up once again. I haven’t given up I simply don’t want to become further lost beyond all means of finding my way. I set my last flare months ago so its just me and the darkness watching the light flicker so far away.

I stood there and looked blankly into the abyss. Motionless, waiting, until there was some kind of response from within. But there was nothing.

It was damp outside. Steamy from recent rain. The earth smelled clean and hopeful. An honest kind of smell. Nothing at all like the void.

It echoed inside until I swear I could hear the very bowels of hell beckoning to me. And I cried out in anger. Frustrated and mad.

I couldn’t quite isolate the mark of my distain but I was disgusted; with its entirety and impatient from wasted energy.

I will repeat myself, calmer, this time I informed it. The darkness barked back indifferently. Yet once again my words were lost to its gravity.

More like a beast that guarded a treasure of innocence. It ate my words with out chewing

I have no power over you.