Category: My Little Lost Boy

I told you good-bye today. I don’t know how long that last hug will have to last us. I am leaving at the end of the week. I have my reasons and I hope someday you will understand. I love you little boy. I love you with all my heart. Your smile holds my soul. I vow to put an end to the pulling at you and the bickering to coerce you over to my side of the custody battle. It is not your fight to be had and you do not deserve to be in the middle. So I choose to excuse myself from the table as I feel I am doing you more harm than good.

You cried when the car pulled away. You asked me to get inside and come along too. Not to leave you. But I have to go my precious child. My time with you expired. I am allotted a few meager hours a week. Although those days with your laughter filling my house replenish my soul, the silence in your absence is far worse and is eats away at the threads of my very being.  To be your mother yet not have maternal rights unravels me to the core. To have no say in your life and watch as it passes before my very eyes causes the all too fresh wounds to bleed.

I will always be your mother and Amber will always be your sister no matter where our homestead is located. We keep you in our hearts and that is where Amber and I call home. Mommy is just a phone call or short plan ride away. I will always be there when you need me  my little lost boy. When you are able speak out and come stay with me. Let me give you the happy life that you deserve.


Finding out that I am being denied a custody day tomorrow because of the “holiday” Thursday when I have 17 days left in Florida because of false interpretation of custody arrangement. A day when neither my son nor I have school. A day I could spend all day with the kids together as brother and sister; family. No compromise will be entertained. I am thankful for my struggle. I wish it to be no other way. This battle molded me into something great and now nothing can harm me. I am an invincible fortress. I am an unshakeable cliff…I summon good fortune to me.

Halloween 2012

I gave you the choice this year son. Whose house will it be for trickortreating? You chose to stay with your father and I conceded without a fight. I allowed you to make your own choice and you did. I am proud of you for telling me truth so that you could have the holiday that you wanted.

I received no thank you or response at all from you father for relinquishing my precious time nor did I receive a picture of you in your ninja costume. When you become a man of your own will I will have my picture little boy. I dont care if I have to hand sew a costume big enough to fit you!

My Story

I am still aching, and no one I know even remotely begins to relate to me. I was married to a very emotionally and psychologically abusive man that was occasionally physically violent as well. Aside from the fact that he was unemployed and contributed nothing more than a warm body in the house to our marriage. We had a son, Dylan 5yo, in common. My daughter was practically raised by this man and knew him to be dad. When I graduated nursing school and felt I was in a position that I could escape the abuse and visualized a 50/50 split custody arrangement, or even better me having 70% custody. I had a stable job and proved I could effectively live on my own-both of which he failed miserably at. Ultimately that idea was shattered when the judge ruled in my unemployed husbands favor and gave my son to him and his parents. I assume this was primarily because I was seen as an unstable single parent which is faaaar from fact. I feel I do quite well for myself in supporting my family.

I now get my son 8 days a month, every Wednesday and every other weekend (and I work night shift on weekends)…If my ex could strip me of my maternal rights he would do it without forethought. He continues to use Dylan as a weapon to harm me and I feel my relationship with my Dylan slowly fading away despite the effort I make to keep it alive.

Going back to school was especially painful because I had no say in anything related to my son. Here he is starting kindergarten at a different school than where my daughter goes and I have to ask the teacher to notify me of important events and dates because my ex conveniently forgets to include me. I feel like a bystander or a babysitter rather than a mother. It seems every time I think I have left the cloud of grief and pain caused by this tremendous loss a wave of sadness washes over me and I am lost back inside again.

To make it worse I am ordered to pay $500 a month in child support on top of being a single parent who works full time and is in school full time. (and I don’t get child support for my daughter). In December my student loans will be due. I feel like at any moment I will be served to go to child support court and potentially face jail time for nonpayment of support. If they garnish my wages I will not be able to live by myself and will have to move in with a friend or parent. Currently without paying child support I am flourishing. My daughter and I can live comfortably within reason. But there is no surplus left over after bills that would cover the enormous mountain of financial burden that is child support.

So on top of grieving my lost parental control I am now faced with terrible decisions. If I move out of state it will be harder to enforce child support, but I also ultimately relinquish all influence in my son’s life. I would be choosing to leave one child so that I can effectively care for the other one. I am no good to my daughter in jail or so broke I can’t afford to take her to the dentist to fix her cavities and other such necessities that come with responsibly raising a child.

My ex has been using propaganda to manipulate Dylan into thinking I am evil and that I don’t love him. Telling him he will have nightmares if he spends the night at my house for example. Dylan is embarrassed when I have lunch with him at school almost as if he is afraid that he will be in trouble at enjoying my company. He doesn’t run up to hug me or even look excited to see me, rather shy’s away. He is no longer really my son. All the manners and discipline I taught him have gone out the window. At times I am embarrassed by how he acts in public and how he treats others. My daughter is polite and respectful, courteous and thoughtful. Dylan used to have these qualities but they are slowly fading away. He is being conditioned to be afraid of me and my daughter and would rather not come to my house for visitation per his own statements.

And so I make plans to move out of state. I will mitigate my losses so that I may be the parent my daughter deserves. I know that this means leaving my son behind. I am not entirely pleased with this option but currently I see no better choice. If I do not flee my lively hood and well-being of my daughter is in grave danger. I dealt with the guilt that I feel of abandoning my son and leaving him with my abuser during a personal ritual on the blue moon, it was the one of the gifts that I gave to myself. During this I also forgave myself. It is easy to justify this action rationally because of the situational facts. It is a harder pill to stifle the emotional pain of its reality. My ex-husband has harmed me more deeply than I ever thought possible but I am working on regaining my control.

So if you have never been abused, if you have never lost custody of your child, if you have never had to make a sacrifice for the “greater good” of your family, you have no right to judge or condemn my actions. You may not be able to change other people but you certainly can make the most of a situation and control how you react to adversity and therein lies your power. I have acted as gracefully during this situation as I was able, which in retrospect has not been very gracefully at all.

The writing of my story is another gift I give myself to promote inner healing. For so long I wanted to put down on paper my experience but could not bring myself to write through the tears. This is just the beginning, an abbreviated version. When I am ready and able I will write the whole story and I will publish it. My final tale will including the 7months I was denied custody simply because my husband personally declared me unworthy of my child and postponed the initial hearings that would establish timesharing; the part where I spent a night in jail for domestic violence after I demanded that I be allowed to spend time with my son, was beaten, then hauled off to jail because I was the aggressor on his property, the property where my son had been kept locked away from me for half a year; going to divorce court unrepresented because my attorney quit two months before the final hearing after demanding $2,500 in a months period of time because the $4000 I had already paid him was not enough and I was not able to raise enough money to hire a new attorney in time for the final court date; How after my ex-husband’s testimony, the judge found me to be less self-sacrificing and more selfish in my pursuits of a stable career to support and sustain my family than my ex who has had longer periods of unemployment then employment and not for lack of available jobs.

Maybe someone can learn from my experience and this will benefit them and their children. While pursuing my Bachelor’s Degree I have had the opportunity to choose the topics for class projects and almost always I choose to research women’s rights and domestic violence as it relates to the nursing profession. When I am not so enthralled in school I plan to volunteer my time at a domestic violence shelter. I hope to turn my terribly painful experience into something productive and positive. I will use my experience and knowledge to serve my community.

I hope when my son is older that he will have the understanding to see what really happened during this period of his life rather than the ideas that are being spoon fed to him. I hope that he harbors no resentment and that one day he can forgive my absence in his life as I have already forgiven myself.


your dad

There are moments when I miss us and what we had until I remember your demons and who you are at the core